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Many people don’t understand that it is hard to practice what you don’t know especially when your emotions have been affected.
Having a change of heart to someone that hasn’t apologized calls for high emotional intelligence and that is why it is often very hard for human beings to forgive each other.
But then again it depends on the wrong if it is repetitive it always seems intentional but there are those that are accidental and once you understand the reasons behind them then forgiveness isn’t that hard.
So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a very conscious and deliberate decision from a person who has been hurt to release the feelings of vengeance and resentment towards the individual that has hurt you.
Important to note is that forgiveness is not forgetting, don’t confuse the two, and in most cases, forgiveness is used so that relationships can be restored.
But you are not under any circumstance obliged to reconcile with the person that hurt you or free them from legal responsibility. So what forgiveness does is that it alleviates the long term effects of uncontrolled anger such as constant headache, high blood pressure, and anxiety.
Biologically, whenever you are angry cortisol is released and too much of it will affect your serotonin levels (the happy hormones).Now with the above biological processes going on within your body, you tend to get pissed and feel pain easily.
And when it becomes extreme, people always tend to become more aggressive and eventually end up being depressed. On the other hand, however, anger has been used to halt social injustices thus there are some good things that can be realized from anger.
How to you practice forgiveness
Understand the situation
Knowing the situation that led to whatever it is that made you angry, find a few trusted friends talk to them about it as it helps to ease the burden and make the conscious decision to release your whole being from pain, stress, and the burden of holding on to resentment.
Find ways to manage your stress
We all forgive at different speeds but you also need to understand that forgiveness is going to help you not anyone else, therefore, acknowledge the pain, and take note of how it is making you feel.
Emotions do run high whenever we get hurt and at this precise moment is when you might have to practice stress management techniques such as doing the mindful breathing exercise or just taking a walk.
The above in a way soothes the flight and fight response, and you will thus be able to decide whether you are ready to let go off the pain.
If you are ready to let it go, then find someone that you trust and talk to them about how you feel, and the best person would be professional counselor because they don’t know you and will thus give you advice without adhering to one side, which most of the time happens because of blind loyalty.
By doing the above your perspective will widen and you might be able to see how it all happened from a different angle.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
You could also try to be on the other person’s side that is by not being the victim, look at the other person’s upbringing, their history and try to understand why it is difficult for them not to be hurtful. Or rather the circumstances that drove them to become so hurtful.
The above does not mean that what the other person did was acceptable but that it is possible to also be affected by other life experiences and personal traumas that have a hand in how we react towards other people around us.
And if you can comprehend this then you will realize that compassion will flow on its own, as your brain is able to gain more understanding.
Don’t indulge in the blame game
Blame game gives you a a false sense of control when in reality the negativity doesn’t depart from the mind, and you will find that you instead become increasingly stressed and the relationships are also completely destroyed. When you start blaming the other person you are simply trying to create a comfortable space for yourself as you dispel the pain.
Avoid setting too much expectations
These can be a major disappointment especially when it is to come from other people other than yourself. There are things that you need more in life which are good health, friends, love that also has to first come from you and the most important prosperity.
Now if you can focus on the above-mentioned things, what goes on inside people or how they choose to respond to issues will rarely affect you.
So stop expecting things to happen when you do not, or cannot have the power to make them happen. You also have to analyze your pain and find some meaning and new strength on it.
There are some things that are not readily apparent and as you practice working on your pain, there are some good qualities that grow inside you such as empathy, courage, and compassion, and guess what they make you even stronger.
Avoid dwelling on the pain
Remember that for as long as you are dwelling on the pain, you give the other person power over you, so how about you sideline the wounded feelings, and look for and acknowledge the beauty, love, and kindness within you.
By this, you will refocus your energy into appreciating the things that you already have rather than on what you will most probably never have.
Forgiveness does not come easy, it, therefore, takes a lot of time, well depending on what was done, however, there are some people who have trained their minds against holding on to negativity and will, therefore, brush things off easily.
Such kinds of people always have a happy mind as the release of happy hormones is always active. To achieve the above you have to try and find a silver lining on everything negative that happens or risk being unproductive.
You could also adopt healthy habits like not going to sleep while angry, this is more of being mindful of your consciousness, as you don’t have to dwell on anything that your conscious mind throws at you, but instead impose on yourself to review the things that you don’t want to be immersed into your subconscious, as you drift off to sleep.
Don’t harbor feelings of anger through the night and then get up in the morning with a perfect plan to destroy the other person.
Clean your conscious mind and accept that you don’t have control over what has happened, and there is nothing that you can do to make the other person remorseful. But that life has to go on and holding on to the matter will only derail your productivity and affect your mental health.
Failing to forgive is equal to holding on to anger and by this; you are predisposing yourself to heart attacks, tense muscles, migraines, a shorter life expectancy, ulcers, and low back pain among others.
The key to the problem, however, lies squarely on your hand. You could choose to forgive and focus on the things that make you happy thus enrich your life, or focus on the pain, and destroy relationships or become irritable to be around.
Some people hold on to anger so much that they come up with revenge tactics that eventually put them in trouble. So choose to forgive and live a healthy life.