Despite all the human advancements made in the last century, most of us still struggle with being hurt, moving on, forgiving, and ending the hate we have for the people who hurt us.
Nations have gone to wars because they feel that they have been wronged by the people they go to war with, and we all know of people who’ve gone on to lead sad and unhappy lives because they were hurt.
Others have lashed out in irrevocable ways, but it’s sad that you can still see the hurt and pain in their eyes. Every time you hear such stories, you cannot help but wonder if there is a way that the pain could be taken away.
And if you are the one hurt in ways that you cannot fully comprehend because you don’t think you deserve what happened, you may be looking for ways of getting past the pain.
If you are struggling to let go of the pain, unable to stop hating that person for all the pain and agony they’ve caused, you are in the right place. This article outlines some of the things you could do to stop hating on someone who hurt you deeply.
It’s also important to remember that the healing journey is arduous and long, and those scars that you have been carrying around will not dissipate at once.
Steps to stop hating someone who hurt you
The first thing you need to do is to recognize the fact that you will only stop hating that person who caused so much hurt through forgiveness.
You must let go of the anger and resentment you feel towards them. And to reiterate what we mentioned above, you must be ready to put in the time while exercising patience if you wish to overcome that hate.
Before we delve deeper into the process, and as you go through the motions, you need to address the fact that the hate differs from anger.
Anger vs. Hate
Anger often comes with the thoughts of being wronged, while hatred builds on the anger, but also adds another perspective which leads you to believe that because you were wronged, everyone else deserves to be punished and to suffer.
Often, anger morphs into hatred when you allow your mind to deeply and actively engage in the kind of thought process seeking to make that person or group of people into enemies, or worse when you choose to dehumanize that person.
With these two contentious feelings out of the way, let’s look at some of the best ways of ending the hurt/ anger/ hate and how to move on without all that baggage.
Note that even though there are many things you could do to change things, forgiveness is the first step. Often, forgiveness morphs into one different processes that ensure the resolution of the problem and the subsequent dissipation of the hate.
Now that we understand the significance of forgiveness in ending the hate let’s look at some of the important steps of forgiveness.
Steps of Forgiveness
Like everything that takes time, you have to follow some steps to get from one end to the other. In this case, from deep hurt and subsequent hate, to not holding grudges.
Awareness
Becoming aware of your emotions and thoughts and recognizing that you are hurting, still angry, and resent the other person is the most important step towards forgiveness and ridding your heart of that hate.
Awareness of these feelings is important because it tells and reminds you that you need to forgive. Note that your awareness of these emotions ensures that your subconscious negative feelings don’t undermine your progress.
Experience
Awareness is not all you must do to be aware of what’s happening and how to deal with what you are feeling and going through; you also need to experience those feelings. You may not be ready to hear this, but forgiveness has nothing to do with the suppression of feelings.
You cannot ignore those painful feelings, either. Therefore, if you have been escaping your emotions, feelings, and thoughts, you have been counteracting everything, and you now need to be in the same room with all the hurt and pain you have been feeling.
Feel all those feelings. Engage with the full effects/ impact of the pain. Understandably, all these are harsh emotions, and you might want to stop reading this article, but the truth is that this is a necessary process.
To experience these feelings and emotions, talk about the hurt and hate, journal, and allow yourself to express all the pain and rage you feel.
Acceptance
Once you’ve relived and confronted that hurt that befell you, you must stop making excuses for that person who hurt. This is also the step that requires that you stop endorsing that person for the poor choices they made, whether you wish to have them back in your life or not.
So, accept that the unpleasant event happened and that the actions that resulted in that hurt/ pain cannot be changed. This step also involves taking responsibility for your actions and how your actions (or inaction) could have led you to that hateful and hurtful place you now find yourself in.
Be Willing to forgive
Now comes that toughest part- your willingness to forgive them. Understandably, this may not happen on the same day, week, or month that you accept everything that happened. It may take a long time, but when you are ready, you have to be ready to stop clinging to that pain.
Release the hurt
This is where the common phrase/ piece of advice ‘let it go’ came from. The last stage of forgiveness involves letting go of the grudge/ hate you hold and releasing all those emotions from the body. Deep breathing, long warm baths, aromatherapy using essential oils, or running are some of the things you could do to release all those painful emotions.
What to do after you release the hurt emotions?
Take about the process and how you feel now that you’ve released that pain.
You don’t have to share these experiences with the person who hurt you, but you could if you are comfortable with it. Good things happen when you share your forgiveness story.
For starters, sharing allows you to create new, interesting behavioral patterns, now that the old patterns have been broken and released. Bear in mind that when you are sharing what you feel, you are doing that without any blame or manipulation, and you are not seeking anyone’s approval.
Celebrate this achievement
Forgiving someone who hurt you and getting over hate is not an easy thing, which is why you should celebrate the win. Remember that letting go of that painful experience has allowed you to move into a higher state of consciousness.
The destructive, disconnected, and the disabled part of your brain/ psyche is now integrated, and it’s contributing its power to your higher level of spirituality. This level of spiritual transformation is definitely something worth celebrating.
Other things to do to Resolve those feelings of hurt
- Be compassionate with yourself
- Analyze your behavior and think of the things you need to do to establish strong boundaries for your emotional and physical safety.
- Seek help and support from someone trustworthy
- If you are up to it, communicate to the person who hurt you and let them know of the impact of their behavior in your life. But do this after you’ve forgiven them. They may be apologetic or not. So, to show that you are past the hurt, an intentional show of kindness might be a good gesture.